Whether it’s a child, a co-worker, or anyone else we’re in a relationship with, it’s difficult and often damaging to work with someone who has a history of manipulation and gaslighting. When people fail to take responsibility for their actions, it strains the relationship and gives us little confidence in what they do or say.
When it’s impossible to ignore the situation or person, how do you deal with it? Here are three skills I think will help.
Ask the Humanizing Question
When you’re facing bad behavior, one of the principles in Crucial Conversations is to ask yourself, “Why would a reasonable, rational person do what they did?” We call this the humanizing question, and we suggest that you spend time reflecting on it before engaging in dialogue. But what happens when history indicates the other person isn’t reasonable or rational? How do you proceed?The humanizing question is so important because its purpose is two-fold. Yes, it helps you humanize the person you’re about to dialogue with. But also, and maybe most importantly, it keeps you human. You’ll find that the cognitive process of generously diagnosing someone’s behavior helps to neutralize your own heightened emotions, slow your desire to act harshly and reactively, and remind yourself that you’re safe. This process ensures that you enter the conversation both reasonably and rationally.
It’s important to note that we don’t give people the benefit of the doubt because they are innocent. Often, the other party is guilty, so the confrontation is necessary. This brings us to our next skill.
Start With Facts
As you approach the person, be sure to stick to the facts about what you observed and nothing more. Resist the urge to pile on additional frustrations or add conjecture about what the incident means about the other person. Instead, simply and factually describe what you saw, and then let them explain.Sticking to the facts is particularly important with someone who gaslights. You’re not talking about your feelings or debatable perceptions; you’re simply describing undeniable facts. I strongly suggest you speak up quickly and in the moment so that the facts hold their power. The longer you wait to speak up, the more the facts grow fuzzy—sometimes degrading into a game of he-said-she-said.
Use CPR
If the person’s behavior doesn’t change despite you speaking up in the moment, then you’ll want to elevate the conversation from Content (a singular incident), to Pattern (the history of bad behavior), and eventually to Relationship. This skill is called CPR, and it helps you decide which conversation to hold so you can solve problems rather than get stuck having the same conversation over and over.Instead of narrowing in on a single incident, talk about a pattern of behavior that is unacceptable. You might need to set some boundaries.
Then, if you’ve held a Pattern conversation and reached some new agreements, but the person continues to behave poorly, it’s time to elevate the conversation to the third level: Relationship.
At this point, you’ll want to talk about how they have violated your trust or created such a toxic environment that you need to renegotiate the relationship. Many people who gaslight or manipulate are rarely confronted about THAT behavior. The other person tends to beat around the bush, addressing small content issues but never addressing the impact of these toxic behaviors on the relationship.
Relationship conversations are not easy, but often necessary. The best approach is to proceed tentatively. Continue to share facts that support your conclusions and concerns. Then ask them how they see it. Listen to understand their view, and then decide what that means for you.
